UMC Colorado 10.7 Jokes

12.18.2005

SPONTANEOUS STATEMENTS!

A police officer pulls a Navy Chief over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Navy Chief Petty Officer: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Navy Chief: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Navy Chief: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Navy Chief: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Navy Chief: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Navy Chief: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whose car is this? Navy Chief: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Navy Chief: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Navy Chief: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Navy Chief: Yeah, I'll bet the liar said that I was speeding, too.

12.17.2005

MOSES...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he pick up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching YOU." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard "Jesus is watching You." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?" "Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed, "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus."

12.16.2005

THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY...

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial--it went like this: Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene. Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life. Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A: Yes sir, we do. Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes sir, I do. Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir. Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers? A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

12.15.2005

THE DUI DECOY...

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

12.14.2005

SLOW OR STOP...

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please.? "What's the problem, officer?" "You just ran that stop sign back there." "Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me." "Nevertheless, sir, you are required to come to complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution." "You gotta be kidding me." "It's no joke, sir." "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution." "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now, if I may see your license and..." "You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the donut shops closed?" "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately." "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop." The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now, sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to complete stop?"

04.04.2006

What cops would like the public to know.........

When you see an emergency vehicle behind you with its lights and sirens on, pull to the RIGHT, and Stop. We are usually required to pass cars on the left. When you're driving in the fast lane and you see a cop behind you, don't go 5 mph under the speed limit. We are not impressed by how safe of a driver you can be, we're trying to go help someone (or catch that guy in the SUV that just cut you off). Safely move over and let us pass please. If you get a warning instead of a ticket from a motorcycle cop, go buy a lottery ticket, because you've already beaten the odds. When you see an officer conducting a traffic stop, or with a suspect in handcuffs, it is generally not a good idea to approach him and ask for directions. If you do, don't expect the officer to be nice when he tells you to get lost, and don't expect the officer to take the time toexplain. If you think you can fan all the pot smoke out of the car before we smell it, good luck. We know you've had more than 2 beers. When I've had two beers, I didn't hit six parked cars or drive my car through the front doors of a Toys-R-Us, pissed my pants, or passed out at a traffic light. Here's how to get out of a ticket.don't break the law. If you drive a piece of crap, that is why you're getting pulled over. In one week I pulled over 10 cars for minor equipment violations. 5 out of 10 had no vehicle insurance. 3 out of 10 had suspended driver's licenses. 2 out of 10 had warrants. 1 out of 10 had felony warrants. 1 was a known sex offender with his 12 year old niece in the car without her mothers knowledge. If you've just been pulled over doing 70 in a 35, do not greet the officer with "what seems to be the problem, officer". We get coffee breaks too, and sometimes we run into stores and do some shopping during them. When you're the victim of a burglary, take the time you spend waiting for the officer to find the model #'s and the serial #'s of the stuff that was taken. Some cops are just jerks, but take heart in the fact that other cops don't like them either. If it's nighttime and you're driving a vehicle with tinted windows and I pull you over, it's not because of your skin color. I usually can't tell if the vehicle even has a driver until the windows rolled down. Every time you hear on the news about people running away from a crazed gunman, someone's son or daughter in a police uniform is running TOWARD that crazed gunman. Yes it's true, cops usually don't give other cops tickets. Think of it as an employee discount, perk or benefit. Other Cops are family and you wouldn't give your brother a ticket if you were a cop either. If your local police agency has a helicopter everyone knows it's loud and annoying, but did you know it can cover the same area as 15-20 patrol officers, and safely chase criminals that are driving 90 MPH through city streets. Many times the guy has no idea it's there and slows down. Your 5 year old kid getting pushed down by another 5 year old kid is NOT a police matter; talk to the other kid's parents, not the police. If your kid won't do his homework or do his chores, 911 is not the answer for a uniformed parent. Police work is...writing reports. If you rob a gas station you're only going to get $20, but I get to see a K-9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $20. In 1 year of patrol work in a large city only about 10 minutes would be cool enough to be on the television show, COPS. But if COPS was about report writing and accident reports each show would be a year long. Every traffic stop could end in gunfire, but we have to be polite and professional until that time. I've taken about the same amount of men and women to jail for domestic violence, so NO it's not always the man. People love fire fighters. If you find crack pipes in the ladies purse, there is a good chance they belong to her. If the light was yellow, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Cops know you pay taxes and that your taxes pay cops' salaries. Cops also pay taxes, which also pay cops' salaries so, hey, this traffic stop is on me. Now sign here, press hard, there are five copies.